Merry Christmas!

Ive been hearing good news all around..so many long time infertility ladies are getting their BFP's..and a few sets of twins amongst them..woo hoo. Way to go ladies! May you all have happy healthy pregnancies!

On a sour note..OMG..yesterday I found my first grey hair!!!  yes yes, I am 40 and nearly everyone has them by now..but not me..i never had one..i tried pulling it out and the darn thing just curled up like a pube at the front of my head..arghh..had to cut it off..I guess Im officially old now..sigh..better order my walking frame and hearing aid.

Ive lost 2.4kgs in the first week of my diet. Pretty happy with that. I decided that for christmas day I am not on a  diet..i'll do what i like and then get back on plan tommorow.

Just got back from midnight mass..hubby is catholic, though we pretty much only ever go to midnight mass..i just do not understand catholicism..i cannot help but giggle at some of the weird things they do. Id love to learn why they do some of the things they do!

I hope everyone had a wonderful christmas day!

BD fest..that didn't happen!

Wow.its been a while since I blogged..Im amazed I could remember my password!

I haven't really had much to blog about with this being an infertility blog. Still don't, but Im going to anyway!

DH and I went on holiday for a week to the beach..we had intentions of it being a BD-fest as it was about right timewise..so we arrived on Tuesday night at about 7.30pm. Unpacked our stuff and decided we wanted fish & chips being by the sea..so went into town to find the one fish n chip shop closed..at 5pm. Not to worry, we knew there was another little town 5 mins drive away, so we went there..also closed at 5pm..so went to the next place 10 mins away..found a pizza/fish n chip place went in..sorry..they were not taking any new orders as they were closing...so we had chinese as it was the only place open..even the supermarket had already closed!!! So weird..we are used to places being open all hours I guess. So by the time we got back to our beach house we were exhausted by the day and just fell asleep. No BD

Wednesday we went hiking up a mountain as you do on a  relaxing holiday (thanks honey!!LOL) and went swimming in the sea, ate at an amazingly good restaurant and generally lazed about..and fell asleep early again. No BD

Thursday, got in a morning BD, played golf all day, went swimming in the sea again, fell asleep early.

 Friday went to a nearby island, played golf again (when I say played golf..i mean I had a go at a couple of Par 3's while DH did every hole on an 18 hole course..mostly I just walked with him) fell asleep early. No BD

Sat- friends who owned the beach house showed up so we were busy with them, went to bed late. No BD

Sun- went fishing, but I jammed my thumb in the car door and fainted twice from the agony of it..i have only just started to be able to use it 8 days later! DH got super bad sunburn while fishing (his feet swelled up like Hobbit feet and got huge blisters and he couldn't walk for 3 days) No BD

Monday came home..

So a full week and only one BD in all that..so sad..lol. I wasnt temping or using OPK's..so I have no idea when O was..but I expect it would be too late for the one time to be of any use.

So as Im not going to be preggers this month I decided to finally start an actual diet. I have been putting it off and putting if off thinking I could just do it myself..but I stood on the scales and they have gone up instead of down..so I knew it was time to just do it. So my starting weight was 79.4kgs. Im now on day 4 and today the scales said 76.5kgs this morning..almost 3kgs..about 7 pounds..half a stone! My goal has been set to be 70kgs by February..looks like I should be able to do it easily. yay.

 I am doing a frozen embryo transfer in Feb, so Im hoping weight loss will help that. When I got pregnant in August i felt so bloated and uncomfortable..I knew I needed to lose some before getting pregnant again. I wish Id have started right away. I could have done that 10kgs and a bit more by now..but I didn't and I have to just accept I didn't..but I can do it now! Wish me luck and will power!!

owch

well, I just went to a farewell party for some good friends of ours..I was talking to a mutal friend who marvelled at how 5 years ago there were no kids amongst any of us..and now theres 11 kids under 4 in the group..owch

How to have a good attitude in one easy lesson.

People often say to me I have such a good attitude about our infertility. Sure I have bad days where im miserable over it..but over the past almost 6 years of trying to have a baby..theres probably only been maybe 5 to 10 days of misery. And even then..only a couple of days of tears and sobbing. I remember them well..one was when we had our first miscarriage confirmed..the other was a few days after our second miscarriage..i'd say they were pretty understandable.

Most of the time..i have optimism..and hope..and joy..yes joy..it is a bit crazy..i don't pretend to really understand it..but i feel joy most days.

So how can I have such joy and happiness when i am being denied the one thing i truely want in life?

The answer is really simple..my attitude is the one thing I do have control over on this journey..I can't control much else..I can't make my ovaries produce eggs..i can't make the eggs that are there into great eggs..I can't make them fertilize with DH's sperm..I can't make any resulting embryos stick to my lining,  but I CAN have a good attitude. Its all about choice. I choose not to wallow in misery..I choose not to make fertile people feel guilty that they are fertile and I am not. I choose to be happy no matter what. That is something we all have a choice over. I don't like feeling miserable, I don't like feeling sad or jealous..so why waste my time feeling that way..those feelings don't change anything..feeling sad, miserable, jealous..none of them make any difference to the outcome..if my embryos are going to make us a baby, they will..whether i feel happy or sad. So I choose to be happy..I choose joy.

Sure, I do get pangs of envy when i hear about someone else gettng pregnant, Sure, I feel sad sometimes over our lost babies..but i refuse to stay that way..I refuse to bring everyone down around me..have 5 minutes of sad, then bring your mind back to joy..tell yourself its ok..you will get through it. You can push your mind to do amazing things..being happy is second nature to most of us. I tell myself there's always someone worse off..to be happy with what I do have.

 My Northern friends are heading towards their thanksgiving days..I try to be thankful every day..I have a wonderful husband, a great family, I'm healthy, all my friends and family are healthy. I have a great job, I have enough food (yeah..too much sometimes..) I live in a great country, I believe in a great God. My life is close to perfect..I don't think many people feel that way..but most should..most of us have a great life, but we get fixated on one aspect and feel we need more..for some thats money, for others its better paying jobs..some have terrible relationships with their family or spouses..some of us can't have babies. Sometimes I think we need to sit back and be satisfied with what we do have.

This has been a lot longer than i thought it would be..but hey..if i can help any of you with your own feelings, then that makes me happy. Remember to stop yourself when you hear your mind being negative..stop, think of what you do have..choose to be happy..its not only better for you, but its better for everyone around you.!

One check on my goal list! and other stories..

Yes..I have done it..i have learnt how to load new books onto my e reader! woo hoooo...i still haven't figured out how to send them from my computer..but i have a computer friend who will show me on Sunday..i can get online in the e reader though and load them from a website..so yay me!

Yesterday I bought some fabric to make a new handbag..ive never made one before, but have been thinking about it for ages..I am soo tired of bags i pay a lot of money for breaking at the handles or zippers..i just took one back last week that id only had 3 months..the zipper was coming off. grrr. Im also someone who likes to have things noone else has..I really hate it when i see other people wearing/carrying things i have. It takes the sparkle off it or something.

So this morning I was planning out a whole range of One of a Kind bags..thought up a name for my bag company. Im thinking I will have a website to sell them..i have no idea how to make one..but im sure i have enough friends who know how ..Oo im so excited about my new venture...all before ive even made my first one..lol. Stay tuned..i just have to remember to go pick up my sewing machine from mum's..ok..its her machine..but i steal it a lot..hee hee. (just googled the name..and naturally its taken..lol..back to the drawing board with that one)

Also yesterday, I jumped on the scales at the gym to see how i'm travelling..well..i joined the gym in July before my FET..in the months of August and Sept I was pregnant and didn't workout much..got back into it a couple of weeks ago and my new weight 3 months later?? exactly the same as my joining weight..lol..I had just drank a 600ml bottle of water during my workout..so i may have lost a little bit..i guess I could say I am back to my pre pregnancy weight. Lucky the weather is getting nicer, so I will be able to want to eat salads and lighter food.

Banana's have FINALLY arrived back in stores at a slightly more affordable price..back in February most of the banana crops in Australia were destroyed by floods..so what was left went stupid in price..before the floods they were around $2- $3 a kilo..but after the floods they went up to $19.95 a kilo..it worked out at about $5 per banana..naturally noone bought them and therefore they were not available for most of the year..they are back and priced at $7.95 a kilo..its still expensive..but i love them and have bought some..smoothies are not the same without a banana in em I say!

Ok, Im off to the gym..during my treadmill warm up I will try to think of a new name for my bag collections!

OMG!! I am 40!

I am happy to hear that 40 is no longer over the hill..we are all supposed to live til at least 100 these days (unless hit by a bus or suchlike) so we have to wait til 50 now to be over it and on the downward slide..yay..I also heard that 40 is the new 20..so thats great news (even though i think it was me that said it..lol)
so looking back at my 30's..I did a lot of waiting..I waited for DH to propose (he did), waited to get married (we did) waited to get pregnant (I did twice!) but then we lost them..so im thinking our baby cannot be too far away. God has sent me many messages lately of hope and patience..also messages to get on with living and stop waiting around. So I am doing so. This weekend I have lived it up..saturday we went to a wedding..usually as I would be waiting for a bfp..i would not drink much alchomahol, but this time..i drank champagne all night and enjoyed dancing slightly like a maniac (normally wouldn't want to get overheated or too jiggly incase there was a bean in there)
 Sunday we went to the races..i didn't drink champagne there as I had to drive us home and there is ALWAYS a booze bus on the way out (and yes, someone a couple of cars in front of us got caught..what an idiot!) but we had a great day..backed a few winners (and a few losers), gasped along with everyone else as a horse escaped and ran the race by itself, even speeding up at the end before almost jumping the fence..admired beautiful outfits..shuddered at some others..chatted to friends we met..lined up to use the loo..checked out the horses in the parade before the races..it was a great day out!

So now Im 40 what are my goals..well I will lose some of the extra weight I accumulated during my 30's. Id like to get down to 67 kgs for a start (currently 77kgs)
I will finish the writing course I started in 1991..they should never tell people they have as long as they like to do the course!
I will learn how to use my new e reader
i will tidy up and sort out my craft room
i will be creative

i think thats it for today..40 and fabulous..thats my main goal!

i remember when 40 was old

the closer i get to 40, the younger it seems. when i was a kid 40 was seen as people who lived with dinosaurs for pets..now that im 6 days off 40..it doesn't seem so bad..Im sure my friends all think im in denial as I always say im 26..but I know im not 26 anymore..my knees remind me of that whenever I stand up after sitting for longer than half an hour.

I used to worry about making sure id had my children before 40..40 was some magical cut off point where the instant I was 40 I was going to be old..even last week I feared it..but today?? nah..its all good. God has been showing me in so many ways thats its ok..its going to be alright. Everywhere I turned in internet world the last couple of days was the message Do not fear..Ive got your back. Don't worry, I have a plan. Stop stressing, it will turn out alright. Do not be afraid, you are not alone.

 I don't remember bible chapter verses, I don't remember who's blogs or facebook pages helped me..but they have..the message was received..Im letting it go..Ive said that at other times..but i still had the fear..but today..the fear is gone..if my worst fears happens and i lose everyone and everything...then what? I will get through it..somehow i will land on the other side of that fear..I don't go to church..I don't read my bible daily...but my faith is strong..and its getting stronger. God is there for me..showing me what I need to hear. Maybe one day I will start to go to church.

ramblings and mutters

Wow, my emotions have been all over the place since the miscarriage..yesterday i felt amazingly great..full of energy..today..i feel terrible..my entire back hurts and i have an awful headache..can't get in to see my chiropractor until monday! If i still hurt tommorow i might just see any of the chiropractors or even a massuse..ugh..

i have just bawled my eyes out after reading a blog where the blogger was complaining about having to go to a wedding on a  Friday and how inconciderate the wedding people were...my wedding was a Friday..not by choice..its all we could get..but i suddenly felt noone wanted to go to mine..which i know it totally irrational..esp as most of the blog was actually complaining about how expensive the registry items were..but i fixated on the friday bit..

One of my best friends is moving to another state..it will be a 2 day drive to go visit them...wahhh. They leave in November.

Last night I found out another friend is expecting..i feel bad as I congratulated her with a hug..but ignored the father completely..whoops....sadly their baby has been found to have heart conditions and will need surgery soon after birth. Her oldest boy had the same conditions and 4 days after he was born they found he had downs..so theres a possibility this one will have it too. Its a bit sad and scarey..I pray their baby will be ok.

I turn 40 in 12 days...where are my babies??? It seems so unfair that i get to 40 and no baby in sight. I wasted my 30's planning and waiting..I need to move on..but I don't know what to move on to..it seems pointless to train in a new career..there's no point in trying to be wealthy when theres noone to leave our stuff to..

Things that bug me

Now that Im not pregnant anymore, these are the things that bug me

1. the fact that i have to start TTC again
2. my blood..im tired of seeing it. AF usually lasts 3 days of actual blood, so far ive been bleeding 6 days.
3. people who keep asking if im ok when i have said i am
4. niece who is 34 weeks pregnant moaning about her life and pregnancy
5. people who tell me they know it will happen again. how do they know..they don't know..shut up.
6. people telling me its mother nautures way. shut up. im not stupid. i saw my baby. it was not normal.
7. that sad look people give you.
8. again..the fact that i have to start again

I think thats definately the worst part. I know we have a frozen embryo..but if it doesn't work, then i don't know if i want to go through another round of IVF. It wasn't so much the needles, or the egg collecion..its just the time..that incessantly slow ticking of time waiting waiting. Waiting to start the cycle, the slow ticking of time as you wait for the right time to inject, waiting to see how many follicles there are, waiting to trigger, waiting for egg collection, waiting to see how many fertilise, waiting to see if they survive. then that stupid 2 week wait. Ive never been a patient person, so the waiting is the worst part for me. I wish i could be one of those miracle people who magically get pregnant naturally even with blocked fallopian tubes. sigh.

Not pregnant anymore

The scan showed no baby, not even a sack. Just blood left. I'm sad, but i'm not as sad as i thought I would be. I think I must have known subconciously this would happen. I never really believed it could be true, not even when I saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks..it never seemed real. Things like babies happen for other people, never for me.

We still have one embryo on ice..we will try it out in Feb.

10 weeks and i think its over :(

 Hi all. Sorry i have been missing..not much has been happening really to blog about. I have seen a midwife and have a 12 week scan booked in for 2 weeks.

 But last night i had a little brown spotting and af cramps. This morning at 6.30am I woke up to a gush of blood. There were some blood clots, but no tissue.
 I put a pad on and went back to bed. By 9.30am there was only a little more bleeding. I changed pads and its now 11am and theres been nothing more. My back hurts, but it always does. I had cramps last night, but they were relieved by bowel movements.

DH is away in melbourne. My parents are both working. Everyone else is either working or far off. Ive decided to just stay in bed and see what happens. If it is a miscarriage, nothing can be done. If its a subchorionic bleed, nothing can be done but to lay flat, which im doing.

Please pray for our little one!

heartbeat!

We had our first ultrasound yesterday at 6 weeks 4 days. The baby is measuring at 5 weeks 4 days ( a bit over 2mm) which the tech said was fine. She said she has seen it a lot with IVF which she couldn't understand as its all so precise..she figures that some must just take a few days extra to implant. sounds reasonable to me. The sack measured at 6 weeks 1 day. We saw the tiny heart beating at 101 beats per minute. Tech was happy with that, she said around 100 is what she would expect.

Even though Ive seen it, I still have a hard time relating it to me..that Im going to have a baby...Ive been relatively free from nasty symptoms, just mildly sore boobs, mild nausea occasionally and the odd cramp here and there..though today i have felt queasy for the last few hours..i expect it will feel real eventually..but right now..its like a dream

DH and I said that when we saw the HB then we would tell a few more people..i kinda like our secret..lol but we will tell a few people who knew we were doing IVF, but swear them to silence a little while!!

2nd Beta results

This was taken last Friday which was 5 weeks and 1 day (23 DPO), but the results only came in today..2328!! Im pretty sure thats a good number.
Progesterone is 35. still ok..i have to book in for an ultrasound for 6.5 weeks.
 wow..looks like im going to have a baby in April.

Beta results

Sorry it took so long..my computer was telling it was connected to the internet, but i couldn't open anything. I spent an hour on the phone to a technician and he couldn't figure it out..then last night i let the computer do diagnostics and it couldn't find anything wrong, so i hunted all over the place and finally found a system recovery for july 30th and did that..voila..computer works again..i guess it didn't like something that updated itself..aanywho beta results..thats why youre here!

The beta was 110 and progesterone was 36..which my nurse says are both good numbers. I have the second beta next friday and if thats fine then an ultrasound at 6.5 weeks and if thats all fine..i have to find an obstetrician!! wow..im a pregnant lady! it seems so unreal. most of the time i feel completely normal and pretty much forget about it. I really only have mild cramps, mild bloating, mild nausea and mildly sore boobs..i know it can take a while for the hormone levels to get up to really feel it..im just happy i get the occasional reminders! My work pants already feel tight, which im sure is the bloat..so im going to have to make some button extenders..lol

we decided not to tell anyone until after the second beta..but of course ive already told my mum..she could do with some good news as her cold has turned into pneumonia. eeek. She sounds pretty good on the phone now, but won't let me come and see her just incase i get it! Luckily my mother is not the type to sit around and allow herself to get totally run down ..she started getting the cold on saturday and went to the hospital on monday as she couldn't breath well and couldn't get in to see a doctor, so she got diagnosed super quick and should be fine quickly. She is supposed to be flying to a conference next week..i hope she is well enough to go!

pee stick pics

here's my sticks. its faint, but assured it doesn't matter on ic's. Top is 14dpo afternoon, middle is 14dpo fmu and the bottom one is 12dpo afternoon. ive been too chicken to do anymore incase it fades away..i wanna enjoy it!! beta is tommorow..cmon baby stick like glue, we wanna meet you!!

woo hoooo!

Im 9dp3dt..also known as 12 dpo

I tested this afternoon and got a faint line..DH could see it, though he told me not to get excited..but how can i not get excited. Im realistic to know it could fade before the blood test..but right now..its there..we got a bean!!

..isn't it just typical that the month you don't chart is the month you get a BFP!!! ya hooooo

Two week wait!!

I guess im officially in the 2WW. Had a FET this morning. Single embryo that looks very healthy and thawed beautifully according to the embryologist. The entire cycle is different to all the rest, so we are hoping it will be a winner!
  its our first frozen embryo, first natural cycle. I haven't had accupuncture leading up to it, nor do I have any booked in. We had to drive to the city, so it was a different hospital, different IVF doctor and nurse. We got our first photo of an embryo. I didn't get to have bed rest afterwards as we went to a shoppig center for lunch and needed to get a few things..i think the only thing the same as other cycles is that im taking a prenatal vitamin..though this one has iodine in it which previous ones didn't..fingers crossed!!

What should have been...

 Today was the 2nd anniversary of our baby's due date. Right now, in a parallel universe we are celebrating our child's 2nd birthday. Was it a little girl? all pretty dresses, lots of dollys and playing house or did we have a little lad, already got his party outfit dirty by falling in the mud chasing after a frog. Happy birthday baby..you are missed xx

boo hisss

yeah, i was right..it was AF trying to appear and a cold..she arrived yesterday afternoon..so we will be doing the blood tests etc and trying for a FET towards the end of the month. On the upside, the cold seems to be gone already!

OO I wanna test...

well here i am on cd 28..14DPO..i soo want to pee on a stick..I know its futile..I know my tubes are blocked..I know we only BD the once..though it was in the late afternoon of O day, which is unusual for us. BUT..I have had a sore throat for a few days, my nose is stuffy, i keep sneezing, but i don't feel like i have a cold. Im hot on my face, but cold in general..my eyes feel strange..ive been nauseas most mornings and most evenings, I have zits appearing all over my face, sore boobies, bloated belly..gas..oh a lot of gas..I keep waking at 5am to pee..i have been having terribly vivid dreams..mostly of not sleeping, so i wake up feeling like i stayed awake all night..but i haven't..theyre all such great early preggo symptoms and a lot of them i had when i was preg...but i just can't believe id be one of those who suddenly gets a natural BFP after all the IVF's etc..surely its just AF in her early days combined with a cold that hasn't become fully blown yet..if af stays away, i will test friday which will be 16dpo..please God, let me be one of those!!

News on our FET.

I got the call noone wants to hear before a transfer. They have cancelled our cycle. My bloodwork shows that i have ovulated, but they couldn't say when. My RE thought it was tuesday or wednesday going by my levels. But we only got a surge with the OPK's starting on tuesday and was strongest on wednesday..I always thought the surge was well before you actually O'd..So next cycle i get to have a daily blood test starting on day 10..oh joy and happiness...not.

The nurse said they didn't want to waste our embryo by putting it in at the wrong time, so we wait again. I suppose its a good thing really as we have 2 weeks of school holidays, so I wouldn't have any rest time (I work at a cinema). It also gives me another month to get into better shape. Im just so over waiting..

Of course i am hoping we get a miracle natural pregnancy instead and can leave the FET for baby number 2 at the end of 2012!! I did feel queasy this morning..maybe God will smile on us afterall!

OPK's..sigh

 For finding out when i ovulate, my nurse told me to use clearblue digital opk (Im thinking maybe she has shares?? why go for the most expensive..$55 for 7 tests..oy) and first thing in the morning..but my surge is always in the late afternoon..but she still wanted me to do morning..so I tested morning, noon and evening with cheapies and then on day 13 when i started getting dark lines, I used the clearblue, and it was negative..On day 14 on the cheapies i got a definate positive..clearblue..nope..it couldn't detect my surge at all! So I rang in with the cheapie positive and got a blood test. She said it was inconclusive and so I had to do a second blood test today..I hope this one shows that Ive O'd. Its good to go drug free for this cycle, but its a bit stressful trying to find out the ovulation..fingers crossed it shows today and we can transfer on Monday!

What's new with me??

Well yesterday I started back at the gym..I was going to put it off because with the upcoming FET I wouldn't be as active for a week or so..but then i decided to just do it..Ive been waiting and putting things on hold for 5 years..its time to just leave it in God's capable hands and get on with my life..so step one is to get fit again..I looked up my paperwork and found that I quit going in Dec 09..i had a couple of months of doing a fitball class on monday's..and did a few exercise videos..but otherwise..ive been very potato like on my couch..so thats that started..I went yesterday and again today after a 20 minute walk to the accupuncturist.

Accupuncture went fine..only one hurt today..usually get a few that hurt..well..sting...to me it often feels like someone pulling out a hair...but today it was good. he used a moxy stick over my uterus and has put me back on the fertility pills. He also said happy anniversary to me..its been a year and 4 days since i first went to see him..gosh back then i had such bad indigestion and a cronic cough (3 years!!) now..i haven't had indigestion since about my 4th visit to him and the cough has been gone for almost as long. Now if we can just get  baby to grow then he can tick off all my original complaints~!!

FET news

I saw my RE on Thursday. We will be doing a natural FET this cycle!! Thursday happened to be cd1, so we wil be having it in about 2 weeks. wow, thats so fast! We do have to drive to Melbourne for it, but thats ok, its only 2.5 hours!

I asked if there was anything we could do to help it stick. He said there wasn't a lot really..its up to the embryo.
 he told me about the natural killer cells and how it could be tested, but he has done that and the intralipids to overcome them on many occasions, but it doesn't seem to make much difference. He also said there really hasn't been a lot of research into it and noone really knows how many is too many.

He said he has tried various protocols and hasn't found them to be any better than completely natural in terms of sucess rates, so why pump your body full of drugs if it makes no difference.

that was about it..it was the longest appointment we have had with him..i think it went for 10-15 mins. oh and when he called us in, he said my hubby's name and not mine..then tacked mine on the end when we both stood up..how weird is that!

just rambling

Ok, its been a while. I have been husband-less for almost 3 weeks while hes off visiting his family in UK. I had totally planned on losing a  few kilos while he's away..but instead i have added a couple. I started off well..but the long cold winter evenings just cried out for chocolate and crisps...

We see the RE on thursday..i hope we can do the FET for July, but we will wait and see what he has to say.

We haven't told many people about doing IVF..just our parents and a handful of friends and i told my naturopath. I wanted to tell more people, but DH said not to so we don't have to keep telling people updates. Theres one girl at work who is here because of IVF and i had wanted to tell her, but i didn't. We decided it would be best to wait til we have good news before telling anyone else..

so imagine my surprise the other night when she asked me how the IVF was going!! I asked her how she knew and she said she couldn't remember and assumed i had told her and said shes known for ages...but then she bombarded me with questions about how it works etc..so..if shed known for ages, wouldn't she have asked this when i had supposedly told her??
I know i never told her, because i really wanted to but couldn't. Personally, i think the naturopath told her as they are friends..but she said oh noo..that would be a breach of confidentiality..but i still think it was her..i guess i'll never know..and i really don't mind that she knows..its just frustrating that someone blabbed..and if it was one of the other friends..then who can't be trusted. And are there others that know but aren't saying anything.

feeling fine!

Ok, crisis over, i found my mojo! yayy.

I think part of my depression was worry over DH's plane crashing..its his fault cos he makes me watch those aircrash investigation shows..ugh. But he has arrived and he called me to say he got there (though i was tracking his plane travel online and i knew it got there..lol)

I worked out that I could possibly have our FET in June..I see RE on the 16th and AF is due on the 15th..so if he wants me to do a drug free one, then it could happen! It gives me a little added incentive to hurry up with losing a couple of kilos (yes, i did eat some chocolate..I got some for FREE at the suppermarket and it was Lindt..mmmmmmm)

Ok, off to warm up by vaccuming the house! Its kinda chilly around here.

Depressed...

Today my DH has flown to UK to visit his family for 2 weeks...and i have been blubbering and moping around all day..I know its only 2 weeks, but right now it feels like forever. I can only assume this is what its like to be depressed. I don't want to do anything but sit on the couch. I also assume this could be because I missed the sadness of our cycle not working..maybe its just coming out now.. Ugh, i hate feeling like this..the weather is terrible outside, so i can't go for a nice walk to get my mojo back. im sure i will be back to my happy self tommorow.

BFN..sigh

Sorry Ive been missing. Computer isn't always cooperating, grrr.

AF arrived on Wednesday and the beta on Thursday was negative. I think having AF arrive first was good in that I wasn't devastated when my nurse told me. I think I knew it wasn't going to work from about 5 days after transfer..i just felt the embryo was gone. I hoped I was wrong.

So we will be having a frozen transfer next. I see RE mid June and assume the transfer will be July, but i have no idea. I plan to eat well and lose a bit more weight before then..but cookies taste soo yummy..i find it difficult to stick with my plans. DH leaves for 2 weeks in UK on Wednesday. I wasn't going because I should have been in early pregnancy, so I feel a bit put out that im not going now..I must be strong with myself and not eat chocolate and icecream for breakfast lunch and tea every day while he is gone.

so there you have it..no pregnancy yet..will keep at it though..ive not lost all hope!

Frozen babies!!

At last I can get on here. The last few days i haven't been able to type as there was no cursor in the typing box, just some little flashing circle..grrr

 But anywho, I just wanted to let you know that our other 2 embryos were indeed frozen and one had grown to 8 cells. So we have a 7 and an 8. Hooray

No real symptoms to speak of. Just things that can be explained with the progesterone such as sore boobs, cramps, mild nausea.

I will end with a little story I heard on the radio.
Do you know how you can legitimately use the word AND five times consecutively in a sentence? Its true, but to tell you how, I need to tell you a story.

One day a fish & chip shop owner decided it was time to re-do his front sign as it was looking pretty shabby. He rang a sign writer who promptly showed up and asked if he wanted him to go over the old sign, or design a new one? The owner looked at the old sign and said "hmm.. I think a new one because I want a bit more space between FISH and AND and AND and CHIPS

Ta dahhh..5 ANDs

2 days past transfer

nope, nothing happening today. Though my morning temperature said 33.81C..I think I would be dead at that temp..its usually 36.4 and above!
 Mothers day today. I spent the afternoon with my mother and to be honest, didn't give this embryo a thought! I guess thas good and means im not obsessing after all!

Hope you all enjoy your day! xx

1 day past 3 day transfer symptoms AKA 4 DPO

Oh c'mon, as if i have any!! Its wayy too early..... well..other than my pants feel too tight even though I lost that 2kgs i put on with the stims!! and this morning before I got up i had what felt like a dizzy spell..but i was laying down with my eyes closed..so..it was kinda weird. It kind of felt like my head swooped low on a rollercoaster or soemthing..lol

I told DH I wouldn't obsess but who am I kidding..I must obsess..I don't imagine anyone could ever not obsess after everything that encompasses an IVF cycle!

embryo baking

well, we have one tiny bun in the oven..all ingredients are in now we just gotta wait and see what happens!

RE transferred one 8 cell embryo. He said all 3 are going so well they would likely all have got to blastocyst stage, but their policy is to do a 3 day transfer if there is less than 4 embies. OK..fair enough.
 I was talked out of doing 2 embryos. DH really wanted to have a couple on ice so we wouldn't have to go through all the injections and retreival again for a while. And of course the risks with twins etc. So we have one baking and the other 2 which were at 7 cells will be frozen this afternoon. The embryologist hoped they would be at 8 cell by the time they freeze them! we will have kids in the fridge!! it really takes the pressure off knowing they are there.

Id like to thank you all for keeping myspirits up the last few days..it was rough going, but im happy and have a feeling this is going to work! If not this particular emby then surely one of the other 2!

Fert report

1..2..3.....3...yep..just three fertilized. THREE.... I know you only need one..but im really disappointed..all that hard work to end up with LESS fertilizing than round one. And being less than 4 fertilizing means a 3 day transfer. I guess thats so they don't have to stand by and have to tell you none made it to day 5..i am going to ask that 2 get transferred..if 2 live til friday..but our clinic is pretty adamant on only doing one.
 I will definately ask RE if there is any point in trying a third time...I guess this is what it feels like at the bottom swoop of that stupid rollercoaster. The nurse said that sometimes more fertilize after 24 hours, but its not common.
 All those supplements..what a waste of time and money..I just feel so useless, hopeless..what is the point of trying so hard. I have pretty much given up already. maybe tommorow will bring better news.

We have eggs!

Retrieval went ok..7 eggs..again. RE spoke to me before the retrieval and exclaimed how surprised he was to have the same number (he was going from the ultrasound I guess) after he doubled the dose.

 I hope they all fertilize, and we get frozens and a BFP... but if its the same as last time and we get just one emby to transfer and it ends with BFN, then Im kinda thinking of giving up on IVF..for a while anyway...and trying the naturopath who reckons she can clear my tubes..DH and I said we would try IVF 3 times..but if this doesn't work, then Im all for trying something else, getting my body in the best shape of its life, then  maybe after 6 months trying IVF one last time. It seems pretty clear to me theres got to be something else wrong with my reproduction system if a double dose of stimulation results in no change.

It sounds like im defeated already, but Im not..just thinking ahead.
 Im definately aprehensive about the fertilization report tommorow. fingers crossed for 7 out of 7..surely all the supplements have made some sort of change!!

Trigger shot

I had my trigger shot last night at 7.30pm. Lucky DH arrived home just in time to do it..though bless him hes saying "No, you do your needles at 11pm" He didn't realise this was the very last one!! It stung a lot going in and for ages afterwards. Then i had a pinching sting in my ovaries for about an hour..nothing too bad, but it was definately uncomfortable.

Today I have no injections, no meds at all..i feel really bloated and DH even commented on it. We agree i look about 6 months preggo..lol. Im slightly worried about ovulating early or popping the follicles while bending down to pick up something etc, but i recall having the same worries last time, so that helps me to relax a bit.

Egg retrieval is at 9.30am tommorow. We have to be at the hospital at 8am..arghhh..too early. But at least I only have to get up and wash, poor DH has to crack one off as well..lol. Im sure he will manage!

Gosh...im infertile....

I see by a lot of blogs that this week is Infertility week in USA..I just realised that Ive never really thought of myself as infertile..yes we have been trying to have a baby for years..and we are using infertility treatment..but I just think of it as some fertility issues. is my head in the right or wrong place..i don't feel like im in denial, ive just not labelled myself as infertile. Maybe its because we did get pregnant that one time..its weird to realise that I am in fact an infertile woman..crazy!

ultrasound follie count results

I had my ultrasound today. We have doubled the dose of gonal F, so I would hope to have more eggs than last time. Our first cycle at this ultrasound the lining was 8.3, this one is 14.7!! So thats got to be good right?
 ok, last cycle I had 14 follies with 7 measurable over 10mm with the biggest at 16mm. So this cycle there's...9...with 7 measurable..id get upset, but 2 of them at 18mm, 1 each at 17, 16, 14 and then 2 at 10mm..so no more, but they are bigger..and im hoping bigger means better!

I got the phonecall from a  nurse, not my nurse, but she was nice enough. I actually missed the call (why don't mobile phones ring for long enough..grr i always seem to just hear it and its over) so I rang back, got her message bank, left a message..tried to leave my phone number but i couldn't remember it..i tried 4 times before just saying that she has it..lol if i could see her face to face im sure mine would have been red..ha haa.

So the gist of it is that i have to stim for 2 more days and egg retrieval will be tuesday instead of monday..i took tuesday off work, but am on wed..might just change that!

Friends..sheesh!

So today Im on day 6 of stims..all my meds are on the bench along with my sharps container and my BFF shows up without calling first..thats ok, she knows im doing IVF. She is on her way home from a camping trip with her family. So she comes in and I make her a cup of coffee right next to all my meds and she proceeds to go on and on and on about her camping trip and who did what blah blah blah.

Do you think she asked how I was doing? nope.. she would have seen the meds, she knows we are injecting..buts all about her. I feel a bit sad she never acknowleges anything to do with IVF..when i have bought it up shes all fake smiles and changes the topic back to herself as fast as she can.

Ive known her since we were 10..but Im not feeling the love these days..I don't imagine we will ever not be friends, but I just feel like shes never interested in anything I have to say. I phoned her a while back and pretty much never got a word in..she never even asked why I was calling (We don't use the phone much these days, facebook chat is cheaper and easier!!)

Id like to tell her shes being self absorbed..but should a friend have to do that?? If we are friends, shouldn't she be interested in whats happening in my life?? Maybe its just hormones, but its really bugging me today. Do you guys think im being self absorbed for thinking shes not interested in my life?

Whoops!!

well I pretty much locked myself out of my own blog..forgot my password, got a new one and then it was telling me i had to change something to do with cookies..I just gave up and hoped that message would go away..and it did!!  So Im back!

I am on day 4 of stimming, only 7 more to go. I get a blood test in 6 days and an ultrasound in 7..Hopefully my follies will be big enough to stop stims and trigger and egg pick up on Monday 2nd. I really hope theres a bunch of great follies full of super eggs this time!

DH and I celebrated our first anniversary last week. We had a bbq with 16 friends and family..it was a really good night. I told a couple of friends we were doing IVF and they were really supportive and interested in how, when and why..lol Im really excited to tell them we are pregnant in a couple of weeks!. Some days i feel so sure this will work, other days I feel resigned to it being DH and I with no kids ever..

Gonna be a Great Aunt before being a mum!

 Hubby's niece just told me shes pregnant. Im thrilled for her as she has been told shes infertile. Shes had a rough few years being involved with a no hoper druggie, getting arrested because of him and just drifting nowhere. But now shes found herself a new lad. I don't know if they are together in relationship sense, but shes happy and he's involved. Can't ask for much more than that. She confided in us a couple of years back that she'd been pregnant as a teen but was soo sick the doctor advised an abortion, which shed never been happy about. Then she was told she wouldn't be able to have more. So its very exciting she can!
She only found out on Tuesday and im one of the few people shes told, which feels like an honour. I'm also thrilled that I'm happy for her. You hear so often infertiles being so jealous of pregnancies that they cannot be happy about it, but I truely am. Of course im gutted im not pregnant as well, but im not feeling awful!!

Natropath...hmmmm

Yesterday I went to the natropath as i have developed an itchy rash on my back. My GP saw it and just said to use the same cream i use for dermatitus, but noted its a class B drug and isn't to be used during pregnancy. So I thought i should see if I can find the cause of it and illiminate it rather than just cover the symptoms.
 The natropath was recommended by a work friend who has celiacs and says she has been helping a lot. Also her fiance works in the same building as the natropath and he says she knows her stuff as well.

She was nice and all, but she didn't even look at the rash. When i told her, she just laughed and said yes she "knows" its a toxic overload and i need to do a detox, which is fine as Id been thinking of doing one. She also tested me for intolerances to bread, sugar and dairy. She says i have intolerance to dairy, though im not convinced as she used the kinseology method where you hold your arm out and she puts the item in your other arm..And i didn't feel much difference to be honest. I told her, but she insists theres weakness there..she also said i had a problem with bread. again i said i didn't see a difference, so she did it again and agreed with me that i was fine...hmmmmm. But that was it..I thought there would be a few more things than just 3 tested!

Then she got mad at me that im only giving her 6 weeks til IVF and says she really needs 4 months to get me into tip top condition...but i feel i am almost in tip top condition. She also said she can clear my fallopian tubes and wouldn't i prefer a natural conception...without even knowing what is blocking them!!!!! She did not inquire as to my diet or exercise or anything about my lifestyle etc.

I think she does know her stuff and probably is excellent at what she does, but i think she's gotten lazy and pretty much prescribes the same stuff to everyone as im sure 90% of people have the same issues!

I will go back and see her as I paid for a hair mineral analysis and I am going to do the detox and take the minerals she prescribed until IVF starts..but i reserve my judgement about buying anything more until i see results.

stop looking at my belly

My goodness..lately when ever i meet up with people they seem to look me up and down and settle their gaze on my belly. I can tell they are trying hard to see if im pregnant. I guess it has been almost a year since DH and I got married, so fair enough they think we should be pregnant by now. It just bugs me is all. I wish there was a baby in there so I could be all smug and have my little secret.

Second IVF cycle started!!

well, its sort of started..AF arrived yesterday and so today I began the pill! Step one is just so weird to be put on birth control..i feel like im wasting a cycle, even though I know i have blocked tubes and we have no chance of conceiving by ourselves..You read about people who have that sort of miracle and maybe it will be me! Hope never seems to leave me, which is a good thing. Id rather be hopeful and possibly delusional than unhopeful and depressed!
I rang the IVF nurse and I see her April 5th to pick up the meds..only a bit over 4 weeks.

In the mean time I will continue with my weight loss and healthy body plan. So far I have lost 3kgs and 18cms. Im happy with that, but I have found myself slipping this past few days.

yay for a good day!

Today has been great..first I got up at 8.45am to get to my fitball class ( I had a dream i woke up at 11am and missed it and was so annoyed and then got a phonecall from someone who told me off for missing it..lol..im glad it was just a dream!) the sun shone while we worked out, not a cloud in the sky after 3 days of constant rain. It was perfect! We got an extra 10 minute workout as the trainer seems to have had too much on the list!

Then I got home and made pork dumplings for lunch..OMG they were awsome!! DH and I are both doing 18 points on weight watchers and I worked it out to 10 dumplings for 6 points..which was great..of course we could have eaten wayyy more than that!!

And after all the rain we have been having I actually got 3 loads of washing out on the line!! Its the little things that make a great day! hee heee

So much for Privacy!!!

wow..I just got the invoice from my IVF clinic..and included with it was someone elses invoice!! I don't know the other girl, but shes from my area, so it would be easy to know her..so much for privacy..its easy to see that whoever folded my invoice just got 2 pages together..but its so careless...i feel a bit cross about it. I can see all about her cycle, how many cycles she has done, what type of cycle she did and how much she had to pay for it, also where she lives, her patient number, which doctor referred her..if i was up to no good i could easily use that info. And of course now i really want to know if she was successful or not.. she just had her 6th cycle with a donor..i hope she suceeded!!

I also called my nurse, Louise, today to find out when i start the pill, but got a voice box..she should be calling back today. RE said I will be starting it with next AF..and she arrived yesterday. But it just seems so crazy to be on the pill until April..well i will wait to see what she says.
So I rang the accounts dept to tell them about getting the extra invoice and after pressing a million buttons got a voice box to record my message..grrr..i will wait til Louise calls me back later today to tell her and she can sort it out.

Got a call back from Louise. I start the pill in March..phew..so this month is no meds. She said I could go on it now if i wanted to..but why oh why would I want to?? I'd much prefer the chance to get a natural BFP..that would be amazing..but im not holding out any hopes for one!!

She also said I would be doing the nasal spray to shut down my hormones..eek..i don't like the idea of spraying things up my nose..but if I have to then I have to I suppose.

It feels good to have a plan of action!!

Next cycle is MAY!!!!!

 I had a 5 minute $100 consultation with my RE yesterday. I checked the time before i went in 4.25pm and then when i left, 4.30pm..i found it frustrating as i had waited 35 minutes..and all that time he was with one couple..then it gets to me and im in and out in 5 mins again ( the 2 other times we met with him for the first cycle they were just as fast!!)..grrr. I assume he was just trying to catch up..however, i did get my questions answered..so i guess i can't really complain..lol.

I felt bad for another couple who came in to the waiting area while i was waiting. The IVF consultant is in the gynocolgy dept at that hospital (not my own hospital) and a heavily pregnant lady came staggering in and saw them. They obviously knew each other saying hello etc..then preggo says to them "Oh congratulations when are you due?"..to which they shake their heads..preggo looked completely dumfounded as to why they were sitting in the gyno area. She eventually sat down and got called in before i got to go in myself. I wanted to say something to the couple..but I didn't know what to say, so i said nothing..I always worried about meeting preggo friends when i was getting my ultrasounds, but thankfully i never have.

  Anywho, the RE approved of all my supplements. He didn't say that they would make a difference, but they won't hurt and to go ahead and take them. He wants us to get more eggs next cycle and wants to get some frozen embryos..so we are on the same page there.
So Im having a long down regulation cycle next time. and doubling the dose of gonal f and having 225 in the morning and again at night..sounds do-able..so im on the next clinic in my town..and its the first week of MAY!!!!!!!! OMG..thats ages off..and he said with the long down reg i will likley be on the pill next period..but that should be here Monday..so I wouldn't think id be on the pill almost 3 months surely??? I have to ring the nurse next week to find out when i start..but on the upside..that gives me a lot more time to get rid of some weight..im going to start using weight watchers..i won't rejoin, i'll just use the old books i already have from last time!  I hate the fact we have to wait so long, but i like that I can get my weight down and hopefully have better sucess!!

losing weight is so hard

Why does it have to be so difficult..I eat well..yes occasionally i do eat potato chips or candy, but its not an every day thing, i don't go wild. I don't exercise much, but who does?? I do walk to work a lot ..yes true its only 8 minutes....but i do it..i even go super speedy and do it in 5 minutes sometimes..i speed walk around town for 20-30 minutes a couple of times per week..when i say speed walk, i don't mean that funny walk they do at the olympics, just fast walking. I also jump on the Wii fit and do dvds sporadically..i feel that it should be enough..and it does seem to be enough to maintain my weight..but it never seems to shift, not even when i up the exercise and deprive myself of things i want to eat such as cheese and bread.
A friend at work has successfully lost weight doing the Du.kan diet..thats one where you eat only protein for a week, then alternate only protein with protein + certain vegetables..it sounds easy..but im sure its not..i want to try it..but i don't feel like i have the will power to do it right now..and im not sure i should be trying to lose weight in such a severe way when trying to become pregnant. Im not enormously overweight, though the Wii fit tells me i am just under the obese category with a BMI of 29. I can still buy clothes at every day stores in the average range. But i would like to trim down a bit. I guess i am just going to have to become more diciplined with myself and make myself move more..grab out the weights, stick on the dvd's and eat no junk food at all...does cheese qualify as junk food??LOL

Wow..God is out there!!

I was just sitting in my living room thinking. My thoughts turned to babies as they tend to do and i asked "will I ever have a baby?' not expecting any sort of reply..but suddenly my mouth turned into a smile, i felt a calm peace spread over me and i heard  "yes you will"
wowsers..was that God? Did I get an actual answer from the big man himself??? Or was it my optimistic self being optimistic..I think it was God..my optimistic self doesn't tend to make me smile or feel peaceful like that..gosh that was so amazing..just had to share!!

Fitball class

well i did it..i got up early and got to my first 9.15am fitball class with step into life....it was outdoors!!
 I set my alarm for 8.30am and went to bed the night before at just a little after midnight, so early for me (night owl, usually up til 1.30am at least!) However, DH decided that was the night for watching a dvd in bed (we rarely ever do that)..he did turn the sound down, but him being deaf in one ear means that his low sound and my low sound are totally different!! I nearly got to sleep a couple of times, but always something loud would happen to wake me up. It finally finished at 1.45am and do you think i could sleep then?? nooooo, of course not. I must have dropped off somewhere around 2.30am..and then..i was awake again at 7am..arghhh..i got up at 7.30 as trying any longer was futile. The cats were sure surprised to see me at that time of day when i let them outside..ok, let one out and forced the other one out..lol She wishes she was an indoor cat.

Got down to the park and met the other ladies..i remember there was a Lyn, Robyn, Jacki and Rachel..i don't remember the other 2....i think all but Rachel were well older than myself. In a way thats good because it means they aren't all competitive or snobby. In another way it might mean i don't get to work out as hard..its fine for now when im just starting..I guess i will just wait and see! It was windy this morning, so we had to hold the fitballs the entire time otherwise theyd be blowing away. I really enjoyed it..the only downside for me is the hideously early start (yes..9.15am is hideously early)..can i happily continue getting up early..i suppose i can only try it for a while and see how it goes. I need to be in better shape before our next IVF attempt and i just don't exercise much on my own..so classes are better for me.

I also had a doctor appointment today to discuss my latest cholesterol result..it was unchanged, though triglicerides had gone up. She wants to put me on statin drugs which i really don't want to do. I asked her if it will interfere with the IVF drugs or being pregnant and she looked it up. The statins are a class C drug and you can only use class A while pregnant (or that could be the other way around...) so i can't take them yet (yay!) am going to double the dose of fish oil and try extra hard to get it down naturally. She also wants me to check with RE about the supplements im taking, especially the coQ10. I see him in 10 days.

Twins and adoption

I love how the B symbol on the blogs looks like a baby carriage. Its probably just me.LOL anywho I digress.
 Last night I dreamt I had twins. A boy and a girl. That would be so super awesome if it came true. If we have a singleton child I feel it will be lonely as there are no young children in either of our families. DH is the youngest of 5 brothers. The next brother up from him has the youngest kids on their side and they are 9 and 12. the next 2 cousins are 15 and 18 then the other 4 cousins are over 23. So noone to play with there. Im the youngest in my family with 2 brothers. Only one is married, but his wife is 49 this year, so i guess theyre not having kids. So thats it, no kids at all..and i think we will only have one pregnancy once the IVF works. I really can't see us trying again once we get our baby. Mostly the costs involved, but also the worry of an abnormal baby.

Id always thought if we didn't get pregnant we could just adopt. Turns out thats not easy in Australia. The govt is so good at helping single teenage parents that they keep their babies these days. Don't get me wrong, im happy they have the support and stay with their families, but it does mean theres very few to adopt. Even the families who can't look after their children and get them taken away very rarely give up their parental rights in my country. I read a statistic that each year there are less than 50 children adopted in Australia. The average time to adopt a child here is 7 years. if you want an infant it can be over 10 years!! Even the overseas adoptions are difficult with a lot of redtape and huge costs. the average wait for overseas adoption is 3 years and the average cost is over $20,000.

DH and I were discussing our plans the other night. I mentioned adoption and he said he really doesn't want to raise someone elses child. If we can't have our own, he'd rather be childless. I guess being childless wouldn't be soo bad. Its what we are used to afterall. I guess in a few years people will stop asking us when are we having kids.  Still..Im holding onto hope that we will get lucky with our next IVF and get our miracle babies..um..baby...babies...whichever!!

Operation Good Egg

I found all the supplements I wanted..yay. After i got them i started to worry about all the combinations and potential side effects..so am going to go slow with them.Looking online it seems that none have side effects, but every now and then you find a site that says differently..so I took one tablet of each yesterday morning and found my throat was a bit clogged up..so today i skipped them all..still clogged..so perhaps its not them afterall..Its difficult to know what dose I should have. I'm thinking to just stick with one pill for now.
so each morning i will be having
1x Elevit prenatal
2x Fish Oil
2x Royal Jelly
1x Maca
1x Spirulina
1x Coq10
  seems like a lot, but if it helps me get super eggs I don't care!! Plus most of them help with cholesterol which I have in abundence..it is slowly coming down..started at 7.9, last check was 7.3 and i just had another test and find out the results of that next week. I really don't want to take statin drugs..so i hope its still coming down!
Lastly today, if you are the praying sort, please say a prayer for the people in South Queensland and Northern New South Wales as they battle though the worst floods they've ever had. The floods cover an area as big as Victoria, (bigger that France and Germany together..in other words its a lot of water)

wooo first post- the story up to now.

well ive been reading over lots of different blogs and decided i may as well start my own to have a record of this tediously long journey. My name is Kez and i am 39. DH and I have been trying to create our first bundle of joy for about 5 years. I went off the pill around 28 as i didn't like the idea of putting chemicals in my body and we used other birth control methods. We started not preventing, not trying when i was about 33. As i approached 35 we decided to start trying.I read up on everything I could find about making babies. Turns out that a lot of the early tries were missing my ovulation..whoops. Everything you read says you ovulate 14 days before your period.I have a regular 28/29 day cycle so according to this info i would O on day 14..but once i stated to take my temperature every morning, i found I O'd between day 11 and day 13 most cycles. So after we started timing it it still seemed to take forever. I decided to start investigations after a year and a half. This brings us to Nov 08. I tried a doctor that specializes in fertility. I had the initial consultation and he ordered some hormone tests..before i got the results we finally got our BFP!

However a couple of days later I started spotting. The specialist doc is only in my town one day a month, so i went to the GP who said it sounds like a miscarriage and there was nothing that could be done. He ordered a blood test and told me to go home and rest and to come back in a couple of days. I went back and the blood test showed my Beta was 50 and progesterone was low (I can't recall the number any more, but it was single figures) The doctor said he would expect the beta to be a lot higher and that i would likley miscarry. He wanted me to have an ultrasound to make sure it wasn't ectopic. I was also leaving for a trip to UK to visit DH's family for christmas in 2 weeks..so timing was terrible. I couldn't get the ultrasound until 2 days before we left. It showed that the baby was gone. which was good because if it was lingering i would have had to have a D&C which would mean i couldn't go on our trip. It was a sad time, but i couldn't be overly heartbroken. I had prayed to God to let me be pregnant even if i couldn't keep it. Just to know that I could get pregnant. So I had that answer!

After we got back, I went back to the fertility specialist who told me my progesterone levels were extremly low. I told him about the miscarriage and he said the low progesterone could easily have been the reason and was a bit surprised the GP had not prescribed progesterone in the slim hope it might have saved the baby. He prescribed a cream to help future hopeful pregnancies. But it was very expensive and difficult to get. I don't know why he made it so difficult, but it was a special order only from a certain chemist. so after 5 months of using it, i gave up and decided if i got pregnant again id just get some from the GP.

Then in May 2010 after almost 2 years of no luck I decided to start investigations again into why its not happening. Went to a different GP who ordered tests. Everything looked fine hormone-wise. So she reffered me to a gyno. The gyno did a few other tests and got DH's sperm analysis ordered. All showed fine, though DH's motility was low. She put him on menevit. She decided due to my age she would proceed to a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy under anasthetic immediately. So the results of that were that both fallopian tubes were blocked. She failed to flush them open. So we were referred to IVF as our only hope. I did ask how they were blocked, she thought it could be scarring from a PID that i never knew i had. She said perhaps they weren't quite closed back in 08 when an egg made it through..and she said its always possible that they could clear themselves as she didn't know what the blockage was!

So we had our first antagonist IVF in Dec 10. It wasn't so bad. most of the injections i didn't feel..a few hurt, but not much. Out of 16 injections we only had 2 bruises. We got 7 eggs, 4 fertilized. One 5 day blast transferred, no frozens. On the day we were due for our beta, the clinic was closed for chrismas. So i did a pee stick and got a faint faint line. i tried again in the evening, still really faint. DH couldn't see it at all. I tried again the next morning..barely there. Id been using this batch of sticks long enough to know they don't do evaps. so i left it a couple of days, tried again..stark white..again, stark white. so my guess is that the little bean did implant, but couldn't hold on. By the time we got the beta almost 2 weeks later there was no trace of anything.

So today i made my appointment to see the RE. I can't get to see him til Jan 27th..so any thought of trying again for Feb go out the window. I thought march, but its more likely to be April. It gives me 4 months to get these eggs into the best shape possible. Im already taking royal jelly and want to get Coq10 and spirulina as ive read they are great for improving egg quality. I also aim to lose weight and get back down to size 14. My original aim was to drop 10kgs, but i think i will go by size instead.
Interestingly i just got a wrong number call and it was a lady who i used to workout with.  I guess she has my number on her phone still..She recognised my voice and we had a chat..well she now runs fitness classes, so im going to go along next monday..chance that she rang? nahh..i think its a gentle nudge from our Lord who knows how lazy I am!

Ok..im done for my first blog post..i think this is going to be fun!!